We know drama

It's Monday morning.  I've just rolled out of bed, put on pants (always important), brushed my teeth (debatably more or less important), and am walking to class.  At various places around the city, 15 or so other people are converging on the same location as I am.  Upon our arrival, there is a nervous energy of expectation. A slight eagerness. Anticipation.

Check-in.

If you didn't wince a little when you read those words...you've never checked-in.  It seems the words themselves could easily be followed by the TNT splash with the movie announcer voice proclaiming "we know drama."  It's that serious.  You walk into the rehearsal space, see all the chairs are in a circle, and a little voice in your head goes "welcome to Tear Fest 2011 where if you aren't crying you aren't trying." I'm exaggerating...a little.


For the uninitiated: Check-in is essentially the process of sharing the dominating thoughts of whatever is happening, has happened, or will be happening in your life. To check-in, therefore, is to publicly voice what is going on in your head.  It is vulnerability to the extreme.

The basic rules are simple:

• no time limit
• no one speaks, asks questions, or otherwise makes noise (not even laughter) while a person is sharing
• when you decide you are done, you invite the person next to you to share
• do not think about what you are going to say until it's your turn to speak (in other words give people your undivided attention)

Still confused?  Here's the big picture:  A small group of very talented actors who are incredibly in touch with their emotions enter a conservatory-like education program, are subjected to extreme stress, ridiculous schedules, lofty expectations, and every so often are asked to sit in a circle and share their inner monologue....yea...not everyone cries all the time, but eventually we all have our turn.

As performers, we are good at hiding the less marketable aspects of our life.  We have an unless-you're-dying-or-mortally-wounded-you-will-be-here-on-time clause attached to each rehearsal, or a you-will-smile-and-act-like-you're-having-fun-even-though-it-feels-like-your-leg-is-on-fire policy with dance calls don't we?  We are performers!  We are literally professionals of altering our projected state of emotion. Check-in was and is a deliberate reality check.  It was the one time we were invited to drop all means of performance and articulate our real state of being.

I think check-ins are incredible; I'm a freak I know.  Think about it though; here is a group of incredibly talented performers, many of whom accepting an invitation to deliberately remove all pretense and share precious parts of themselves with complete trust.  And that's the trick.  You get out of check-in what you put-in.  You only experience the benefits of sharing your true self when you actually do so.  There is something liberating about voicing a hidden thought and realizing that your closest friends aren't bombarding you with a wave of judgment.  Check-in isn't a demand for your peers to do something; it's an act of recognizing everyone's true self.  It strengthens the bonds of friendship and creates a solid foundation from which the work of class can spring.

I learned to pray by checking-in.

You see, I had a problem with performing for God.  I would pray and try and do it well. I'd deliver my brilliant, well-paced arc of a monologue of thanks, blessing, and requests as if I was going to get director notes afterward.  I conjured up a concept of how I was supposed to pray, what I was supposed to say, and never brought my true self into the equation.  I was performing for God.  In fact, my only genuine emotional response in prayer was the sudden urge to kill that often comes in response to the guy who decides to bless my food with a ten-minute mini-sermon.  Gah!!  The worst part of all this is that I thought I was praying correctly.  I thought my performance was how I was supposed to do it.  I mean God wants me to be a good person, right?  Just because I'm mad doesn't mean that I allow that to be brought up to God, right?  I mean he's probably busy doing things like, oh I don't know, revolving the earth around the sun and stuff.  He's the giant director in the sky with way too many jobs to care about my hurt feelings.  Right? Wrong.

God may be the holding the universe together, keeping the stars in line, and a lot of other epically cosmic tasks.  But he is also patiently waiting for you to bring your true self to Him.  Christianity is fundamentally about building a relationship with the Living God, Creator of everything.  Somewhere along the way, I came up with the preposterous idea that I couldn't be myself around God.  I was worried about doing things correctly more so than actually building a relationship.

What about you?  When was the last time that you've screamed in frustration during your prayer time?  When was the last time that you laughed with God?  When was the last time that you actually put voice to that nagging thought that was too embarrassing to confess?  Have you ever told God that you were mad, confused, upset, happy, scared, thankful, joyful, frustrated and actually meant it?  When was the last time that you checked-in with God?  When was the last time that you confessed your actual state of being, the state of your heart, mind, and soul as if God was sitting next to you?  Or maybe, when was the last time that you invited God to check-in with you, the last time you listened for God to speak after pouring out your heart?  Come on now, that is one of the coolest parts about God.  We, as Christians, believe that the dude actually speaks, maybe not audibly but through the Holy Spirit.  Think about that.  God, like THE God, wants to talk with you.  If prayer is communication with God, then it must be honest and balanced between sharing and listening.  Hiding your true self in prayer undercuts the very purpose of it.  So next time you are reciting the Lord's prayer or blessing a meal, ask yourself if you are trying to sound good or if you are genuinely coming to God with your true self.

Here's the big secret.  God is interested in your true self not your ability to perform for him.  He knows all your baggage and still wants to be in relationship with the real you. To be sure, this is by no means the only way to pray, far from it.  There are many important and valuable forms of prayer that we can and should practice.  But if you are like me and tend check the prayer box rather engage with God, check-ins with God can start a renewed line of communication.  Today, I often check-in right at the beginning of my private prayer time, wait and listen for a response, and see where the conversation goes.  Sometimes it just serves to clear my mind of distractions, other times God has something to say in response to my check-in.  Either way, it forces me to bring my true self before the Lord.

Try it.  Imagine God is sitting in a chair across from you and check-in with him.  In fact, try it everyday for a week, two weeks, a month and see what happens.  You don't have to make it a daily pity-party for yourself, but be honest about everything. "God, I'm a little frustrated with my friend because he was late to pick me up." "Lord, my little sister is a treasure in my life.  Thank you."  "God, I'm an emotional mess right now and I'm not sure why.  What do you think?"  "God, I screwed up.  I need your help to break this addiction."  Or maybe "God, I'm not sure you are real.  But I'm curious about this whole faith thing."  In any case, remember that the rule of check-in is to invite the next person to speak.  So once you're done, stay quiet for a few minutes and see what happens.

Perhaps God wants to chat with you.